(I’d like to start off by saying something many of you know but some of you don’t. I am a columnist and this is my opinion and mine alone. What follows is satire. No one is really alleging fraud in the Fogle/Helms recount.)
On Thursday, there was an alleged recount of votes and Democrat Betsy Fogle allegedly won the 135th House District over incumbent Republican Steve Helms by an alleged 76 votes.
I say “alleged or allegedly” because I don’t like the result. My man, Steve Helms, lost.
That’s why I’m claiming fraud.
My candidate lost; there must have been fraud.
I don’t suspect fraud. I know there was fraud.
How do I know this?
I saw it firsthand in a very vivid dream and there have been times in my life (three) when I dreamt something and it later became true.
In this particular dream, I saw a woman who looked a lot like Fogle driving a big garbage truck with the words “Stolen Votes for Helms” on it.
In addition, I ask you, where was the transparency in this alleged recount?
Why do we continue to count votes under this shroud of darkness, under this —
What? There were election workers from both parties, as required by law, present during the count?
OK, maybe there were —although I’m not necessarily saying there were. But were these election workers in the country legally?
You don’t know, do you?
That question alone is enough to raise a red flag that requires a second recount in which Helms must get 77 more votes.
So now that I’ve proven there was a massive conspiracy, I —
What? Any member of the public could have been at the Convention Center during the recount?
Well, let me ask you this: What if I didn’t know I could have been there?
Whose fault is that?
And what if my car wouldn’t start, had I even known?
And what if I did know and my car did start – and then I couldn’t find a parking space?
See what I mean? Red flags everywhere.
And what was the lighting like at the Convention Center?
I’ve been told by sources in QAnon that some of the light bulbs were out.
Would I have been able to actually see what was going on? Would I have been close enough to actually see every ballot?
And what if I wanted to sniff them, as well?
Why would I want to sniff them?
Well, I’m an American and I have my rights and I don’t have to tell you why.
What kind of Republican would do this?
Here’s yet another reason I’m claiming fraud. We all know that Democratic Greene County Clerk Shane Schoeller cannot —
What? You say Schoeller is a Republican?
Well … whatever!
What kind of Republican is he? I’ll tell you, he’s a Republican in Name Only. A RINO!
A real Republican would not have let a Democrat win.
By the way, I’m going to let you in on a little secret: I have sources in both parties who tell me Schoeller watches public television.
Draw your own conclusions.
Finally, I know how everyone, especially the media, goes on and on about what a great job Schoeller did and blah, blah, blah and even more blah.
But do you trust the media? I don’t. I know a lot of them personally and most are degenerates that I wouldn’t let walk my dog. If I had a dog.
Here comes the shift in narrator. (I told you I’m a columnist, right?)
This is my point: There is no more reason to doubt the result of the Fogle/Helms outcome than there is to doubt our presidential election.
What happened here this week is what happened locally across the country.
Joe Biden is president-elect. The system worked.
Have the recounts. Maybe there was a clerical error or a machine malfunction.
But to suggest national fraud, conspiracy and cover-up is an attack on our democracy — and it’s all based on the tweets of an incredibly sore loser. And we knew him well enough to know in advance he would do this.
Election officials across the nation — Republican and Democratic — did an outstanding job handling a record turnout during a pandemic. They should be commended, not condemned, for keeping our democracy intact.
These are the views of News-Leader columnist Steve Pokin, who has been at the paper 8½ years, and over his career has covered everything from courts and cops to features and fitness. He can be reached at 417-836-1253, email@example.com, on Twitter @stevepokinNL or by mail at 651 Boonville Av, Springfield, MO 65806.